Wednesday, 13 April 2011

16 through to 20

Yep indeedy-do-da I've hit the TWENTY films mark...

I realise I will seem to you guys that I have slowed down a little but I feel it was somewhat inevitable... I had to start getting a decent nights sleep and also... So much bad Sci-Fi... It drains you.
I understand that some of you (Dan) havent agreed a hundred percent with some of my reviews. I also know that this was going to be somewhat inevitable. You cant please everybody. If you could, everyone on the planet would know that the one true God is in fact Ogdru Jahad.

A Hellboy reference for you there guys...

I've fallen a bit behind because of building and setting up my new shop too. I'll try and get back on top of it.

Once again into the breach and onto the films!

16.) Paradox (2010) Dir: Brenton Spencer

I know what you're thinking - "How could anything that Stars Kevin Sorbo and that guy who played Teal'c in Stargate: SG1 possibly be bad?!"
I know because I thought the exact same thing. Two high class American C-listers and yet the film still sucked!! I'm starting to realise that if its over an hour long and being shown on the Sci-Fi channel, then nine times out of ten it's probably going to be shit.
This film is about a world where Magic is the dominant force, not science. Science is seen as an aberration. Not TOO shit a premise so far.
Sorbo is a cop who starts the film by being completely unprofessional and inept which (In my opinion) contributes to the death of his partner. His partner though, has been killed by a... wait for it... A BULLET! DUN DUN DUUUUUUHHHHH!
This is shocking because guns in this world are powered by magic and therefore dont require bullets. Teal'c plays Sorbos Captain. Blah blah blah. Turns out someone has created a portal to a parallel world (Ours) and are exploiting the ability to travel between worlds for their own gain.
Cue some terrible fight scenes, some even worse CG and most impressive of all, an Ancient Winston Churchill who soon becomes Sorbo's new best friend. Seriously. Churchill used magic to stop himself aging and dying and himself has taken to studying science as he believes it to be the way forward.
Sorbo meets a woman who studies Science in his own world, they implausibly fall in love and a load of shit happens at the end which to be honest I dont really remember because I kept drifting in and out of paying attention to this film. I do remember that Teal'c turned out to be a baddie in the end though.
The film tried to incorporate some effects similar to those of 300 or sin city but with such a low budget it was never going to work. EVER.
Rating 1/5

17.) Interstate 60: Episodes of the Road (2002) Dir: Bob Gale

Now I have to be honest, I had never ever heard of this film, I stumbled across it completely by accident on the IMDB. This really surprised me though because the film stars Gary Oldman, James Marsden, Christopher Lloyd, that blonde chick from "Road Trip" who's always getting her tits out in films and even Michael J. Fox has a small cameo right at the start of the film.
I'm gutted I have never come across this film before! Bob Gale (Writer as well as director) has created a masterpiece here. This is one of those films which is just NICE, know what I mean?..
I dont really see how this film passes as Sci-Fi as such, I would have gone more with fantasy... but hey, IMDB lists it as Sci-Fi so, hell it works for me!
The basic sort of backstory to this revolves around a man O. W. Grant (Oldman) who has the ability to grant one wish to any person he likes. Grant is a bit of a prankster though and to the undeserving (and sometimes even to the deserving...) he makes the pranks go sour for his own amusement. The O. W. in the name even stands for "One Wish"
Enter James Marsden as a boy celebrating his (22nd- I think) birthday. He's asked to make a wish and his wish is to know pretty much where his life is going. Oldman is working as a waiter at the restaurant and grants the wish via his weird monkey shaped, wish granting pipe...
From then on Marsden keeps seeing pictures of a girl he's only ever seen in his dreams all over the place. He's painted her and obsessed over her and now that he finds out she is real, he decides he MUST find the real her. This leads him on a journey delivering a package down Interstate 60. The only real problem with that is that Interstate 60 doesnt really exist. It's not on any maps and you wont be able to find it unless you know where to look. You have to open your eyes to the ability to see things that you wouldnt usually accept as being real.
As he drives down the interstate he meets lots of strange and interesting people and visits a few peculiar towns (One of which has Kurt Russell as the Sheriff - ANOTHER big name! How had I never heard of this film?!!!) before finally arriving at a town where every resident is a lawyer. Here's where his mystery woman is being held.
It's just so unexpected and well written, so nice and a break from what I would class as your usual film. maybe it's just me who thinks this. If you have already seen this film, I would LOVE to know what you think and if you havent seen it, I urge you to give it a go and let me know what you think!
Rating 5/5

18.) Franklyn (2008) Dir: Gerald McMorrow

I cant say I have seen too many films that actually star Ryan Phillippe and I'd never heard of this film but in the interests of the challenge I decided to give it go because it couldnt possibly be worse than some of the shit I had already watched.
I didnt mind this film.
It was ok! Nothing particularly ground breaking as such and maybe it was just because I was tired but, there IS a twist in this film which I didnt pick up on until not long before it was revealed which is a bit slow for me.
The film centres around three people. Two in the modern day and one in a distant future where it's illegal to not have a faith of some sort. You could worship a pair of stripy socks as long as you worshipped SOMETHING.
Old Ryan is the person in the future. He's anti-religion and is tracking a man he believes to be responsible for the murder of a young girl.
There's also a girl who has tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions in the name of an art project. This is one of the modern day London inhabitants.
The other modern day character is a guy who has been jilted at the alter and has rekindled a romance with a girl he knew as a child (Who is illogically played by the same girl as the suicide-art-freak only in a red wig...)
You spend a fair bit of the film wondering how the future timeline ties in even remotely with the modern timeline but this is eventually explained away thanks to the addition of King Theoden from "Lord of the Rings" who is trying to find his long missing son.
I dont want to give away anymore than that really because I would like for you to discover the twists for yourself, although none of them will actually blow you away.
Some of the effects for the future world are quite nice but since the bits in modern London are actually filmed in open air london and the future bits in a studio... its sometimes lacking and feels to much like a set when its showing the future. Kind of like "Planet Hell" in the original "Star Trek" series for any of you hardcore geeks in the know.
In other words, this film is worth a go but only reeeeally if you have nothing better to do or... you're doing a film challenge.
Rating 3/5

19.) The First Men in the Moon (2010) Dir: Damon Thomas

I generally tend to like film adaptations of H. G Wells books (As long as they dont star Tom Cruise) even down to the old ones from back in the days when the shilling was still in use.
I also liked the original version of this film and as always was a little skeptical with a remake but after a recommendation from my dad I plonked my incredibly sexy arse down and watched this.
It's pretty low budget with some nasty CG on the aliens that live in the moon, but overall I did really enjoy this. Mark Gatiss as Cavor is brill and check out the mutton chops he's sporting! Pretty sexy shit right there folks!
If you dont know what the film is about, its basically set in the early part of the 20th century and one guy discovers a way to travel to the moon and another more opportunistic chap sees a chance to milk this ability for as much money as he can. They go to the moon, discover life and all end up murdering some of the local population unintentionally.
I wont go into massive detail about this because if you dont know what its about, you SHOULD. Didnt your parents force you to watch the originals of these as a child? For shame!
Nothing spectacular but a good Sunday afternoon yarn.
Rating 3/5

20.) Battle of Los Angeles (2011) Dir: Mark Atkins

Please note before I start that this film ISN'T "Battle: Los Angeles" but is in fact the cheaper, much shitter (Although this is up for some debate apparently) version made by Asylum.
Now we've all come to expect films by Asylum to be shit by now but this is really taking things to the next level. I even picked the above image because I think it speaks more than words ever could. Just in case you dont get the idea though, see the chick with the eyepatch? She's also a U.S special agent who weilds a... Katana. Yes. A katana. Aliens invade and somehow modern technology doesnt appeal to her but a bit of folded metal from Japans feudal era is perfect. The really irritating thing is she DOES manage to take out an alien spaceship with the sword!
Let me go back to the start of the film. It begins with absolutely no back story whatsoever. The aliens just arrive on Earth in a very "Independence day" manner and so the US Gov launches a bunch of fighters to go and see what the crack is. Of course they all get wiped out with the exception of one hard ass woman. There's an irritating bit when shes brought into it though where she flies in a squad with a male pilot who appears to be afraid of flying. Genius.
On the ground there are a bunch of pilots turned marines trying to mount a defence against alien fighters with their machine guns. I dont mean anything as sophisticated as anti-aircraft weaponry. I mean machine guns. One incredibly bad actor even uses a pistol to try and take down a heavily armoured alien fighter. They dont even have a 50cal. the films that low budget. The pistol wielding actor even says moments before firing his pistol that he only has one shot left in it and then proceeds to fire more than his 6 shooter could possibly hold on a good day!
Can you say "Who loves Orange soda?"
"Kel loves orange soda!"
"Is it true?"
"Mhmm, I do, I do, I do-hoo!"
Thats right folks, this film stars the Hollywood A-lister Kel Mitchell!!!!
Should I take back all the bad things I have said and am going to say about this film now on that basis?!
If anything, this guys terrible, terrible acting makes this film worse! If thats even possible!
And considering all the main characters in this film are members of the American armed forces (You dont see one single civvy in this film despite it being set in one of the US's most heavily populated cities) I cant help but feel that even I have had more military training that this bundle of douchebags. None of them seem to know how to hold a gun properly and their idea of how to approach the enemy is farcical at best!
So an "Independence Day" style mothership has attacked LA and a load of their mini fighters are taking out any forms of resistance the military might send their way. It also turns out the military have been keeping an alien captive underground for years as well. They've also had an alien ship they have been studying (Which of course, Kel gets to fly without much in the way of instruction...) and while watching this I couldnt help but think "Hmm... wasnt this all in another Sci-Fi film?" but nothing would immediately spring to mind...
Oh this film is just SO shit that I dont know if I should hit the friend who loaned me the film or not...
The real icing on the cake is when they board the alien mothership and it turns out that its all being controlled by the giant worm from "Tremors"
I really, honestly, truly cant stress how bad this film is. Really. I'm sure i've said this about other films but believe it specifically about this one. I could rant for hours about how bad this is.
For example there is a bit early on in the film where a plane lands amidst all the chaos going on but.. wait... the film looks to be of the type flown during the second world war... Oh God please let it just be an unfortunate case of a WW2 reenactment going on while the attack happened and please let it not be a case of this being a pilot who disappeared during the war only to reappear now the same age as when he disappeared 70 years ago...
I'm pretty sure my grammar is getting worse and worse the more I write and angrier I get.
Oh and it turns out that the WW2 pilot was not actually the original WW2 pilot but was in fact an evil, weird, alien, robot type thingy. It was totally unpredictable.
Really it was. I'm not saying this film is Gash. I'm saying it's:
Ok. It IS probably one of the biggest piles of gash I ever did have the misfortune to clap my eyes on.
If I could give minus points I would.
It makes me think that nothing could be worse than this and i'll probably end up thinking that the film starring Aaron Eckhart is a modern masterpiece! I'll be THAT jaded by this film!
Rating 0/5

So thats the next 5 films done! Hope you've enjoyed my reviews of these 5 more than I've enjoyed watching some of them...
In other unrelated news, I've had my first tattoo. It hurt.
One film I did see in the cinema the other day that was complete and utter gash was "Sucker Punch"
It was a truly awful film and the only reason I havent included it here is because for some reason, the IMDB dont class it as a Science Fiction film despite it containing Mechs, Dragons, Steampunk Zombies and stuff like that. Mind boggling but the rules are the rules. As visually stunning as "Sucker Punch" is though, it is devoid of any real content so if you can, avoid like the plague.
If you were only going to watch it for the girls in the film, I would suggest you just buy a poster of them and masterbate over it. That would be far more satisfying for you in the long run. Trust me.

Until next time folks!

Much Love.

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